Today, my heart feels tender. My mind has taken over thinking of all of the people who stopped reaching out over time… Or maybe they never did in the first place? With me being the desperate one frantically trying to keep these relationships alive. Because if I had friends, well that would mean I mattered of course.
So many of us have challenges and repeated lessons we are here to learn.
Mine, is with friendships.
At the now middle age of 40, I can confidently say that I have deep, deep wounds feeling loved, seen and appreciated.
Yes, I’m going there.
And it feels so freaking refreshing to say that to the public world. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders and my chest.
After multiple decades of therapy and self-work, I know exactly where the wounds come from. And you may think it would be easier to move past it once you know why, but it simply hasn’t been the case for me. The last few years have been extremely taxing.
Loneliness, depression, feeling so sorry for myself. Extreme rage and anger have become my frequent emotions.
I’ve become too tired to continue to pretend. To try and be *gag* positive all the time.
To be honest, I’ve started to wonder if I will ever get over this. In my last therapy session, I sobbed those exact words.
I’m sad for myself.
I seem to be so masterful at some things and I know I’m bright, but it makes me so mad that I can’t fucking get past this.
Part of me hears, “it’s because this is the BIG lesson”, and part of me begs “please just make it stop.”
I’m tired. Exhausted. I don’t know how to be around others like I did before. I can’t stand spending time with people who incessantly talk at me about their lives while I’m feeling so fucking empty.
And I’ve simply started to retreat. Being in my own space feels so much better. It doesn’t feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. It doesn’t feel like I have to exert so much energy to focus on a conversation I could care less about. I don’t have to explain myself or put on a mask to make others comfortable.
It does feel like I’m shedding my skin. In the chrysalis.
Lost.
That’s the word.
Ungrounded. Transition. Releasing.
Those are some more.
I donno, I just feel like I’m not anything of what I have always thought I was… yet, I’m still who I’ve always been deep within.
There are some things I do know for sure.
I do know, I want to live in nature. Without a neighbor in sight. I want spaciousness. I want ease. I want to continue my work with plants. I would love a wonderful yoga studio that I could go each day with the most beautiful teachers on the planet. I want to explore – to see new places, learn new things, taste incredible bites. I know I love my husband beyond anything in the world and he (and Bray) is my greatest life blessing.
I know I’m in transition and right now it doesn’t feel like it will ever bloody end.
And I’m sick of it.
And that’s all I have for today.
Note: I don’t want to explain it further, but I think it’s important to say…
Every ounce of my being is tired of the world trying to sugar coat everything and leave a happy ending.
So, I purposely left off a feel-good ending to my sharing.
It’s okay to struggle. For things to be shitty. For life to feel hard. That IS life. I’m okay. I don’t need to be saved or coddled. And neither do you. Sometimes we just want to express the depths of our humanness.
About the Author:
Taylor Short is a Nature Connected Coach, Herbalist and Plant Whisperer that works with Empaths & Highly Sensitive People. You can read more about her and her services at Harmonious Return.