Rest

All signs were pointing to rest. Rest more. Slow down. Pause.

The first sign that I need to rest is my rigidity. Things stop feeling in flow and start feeling hard. Aggravation, anxiety, fear, resistance. All are the beginning signs that rest is needed. And then my beautiful, intelligent mind tries to come in and save the day. Why would you rest? You are on fire. Your soul is lit up and you are loving doing this. Push harder – you will be happier faster.

This is when the tug of war between my head and heart begins.

My heart – full of peace – retreats at the sign of war. My head is the happiest rationalizing why I don’t need to rest.

Soon, I am consumed with the actual inability to pause. My meditations are shorter and shorter, if at all. Yoga practice is gone. My time for me is all in my work. My family time feels forced and unfulfilled.

I have become a cup full of coffee. Filled to the brim. I need to take a sip from the cup before even trying to move. After the sip, the hands shake trying so hard to steady. But the splashes keep spilling.

And soon, the cup slips through the hands and drops to the tiled floor. Crashing and shattering upon the cold surface. Hot coffee that was so beautifully brewed now spewed all across the cold earth. Mixed in with shards of ceramic pieces that were once whole.

My physical body has shattered. My back is in persistent pain. Endless amounts of doctors visits to straighten it back out. Slow rehabilitation. My mind is exhausted. Every moment, every day, my mind is spinning with ideas, thoughts, scenarios. But I must sleep.

My soul is hiding. It is so gradual, I forget that I can’t hear her.

And it’s not until now that I rest.

But this rest is not happy. This rest feels shameful.

You need to practice what you preach. You know what you needed. Why didn’t, why couldn’t you listen?

Because I loved how it felt. I was shifting my addiction to something else.

But deeper underneath that, was a belief that if I slowed down, I wouldn’t be successful.

But even deeper so, was a strong-rooted belief that I am not good enough. And since I am not good enough, I must work extra hard to prove myself.

So, here I am in this moment. Taking constant peeks out of the cottage window upon the beautiful sun rising and the magical crows playing in the morning moments. And I am leaning in to that belief that I am not good enough.

Of course I am. And working to re-wire that belief within me will come with the allowance for me to rest. The outlook that rest is not giving up. It is essential to balance out my cup. To reawaken my soul and to live and create from that space inside of me that knows my deepest purpose.

With that, I write this to remember why I embrace rest.